An open letter to the people at my (and probably all) gyms

Dear Sir or Madam,

This is me, a personal trainer at the gym in which you workout. You may think no one is watching you, but I see you. I'm very sneaky about it, but while I train others, I can see what you're doing. I'm going to point you out specifically in this post:

To the woman who talks on her cell phone while "working out" - I noticed your favorite machine is the ab crunch machine. First of all, this machine is CRAP. Almost no one can do it right to get a good workout anyway, and by you just leaning on it with about 20 lbs of resistance WHILE talking on your cell phone about "how fly he was", the only maximum you're reaching is your max number of words used per day. I've also noticed you are not the trimmest of individuals, which is why you are at the gym - good for you. So hang it up, lock it up, and SWEAT already.

To the dude who shows up at 6am still drunk - while your attempt to become healthier and really watch your weight is well noticed, I believe you have other issues you must first deal with before hitting the gym. Like laying off the sauce. First off, the empty calories will kill your nutrition plan, thus nearly eliminating any benefit you could receive from the gym. Also, you kinda smell like booze...all the time.

To the dudes (plural) who constantly check me out while I'm demonstrating exercises - get over it. I will be demonstrating almost every time I'm working with a client. That's how I roll. So quit staring at my ass and get back to your workout.

To the dude who does an ab workout with the pulley system - I think you may also be the drunk guy, which would explain this interesting "ab workout". Can I tell you, I'm about 96% certain that you are not actually getting a workout by doing this crazy thing on the pulleys? I can't even explain in words what you do, but I've never seen anything like it, and I think you should just pack that up, and head over to the swiss balls. Or better yet, you may actually get more out of the ab machine, which I NEVER recommend (see above). But do not talk on your cell phone while doing it.

To most of the women on elliptical machines - Take your hands off the rails, and go faster. I'm not sure I've seen many of you sweat before. FYI - you're not going to burn many calories by NOT sweating. Newsflash...working out isn't easy, and usually you have to sweat.

And finally, my favorite thus far - to the individuals I've never even met, but have purchased training and still have not used it. When I call you, don't act rude or surprised that I am calling you. YOU used YOUR money and purchased personal training. So when I call you to set up an appointment, do not yell at me, act rude for no reason, and even hang up on me because if I could, I would just take the money you paid for the PT and put it right in my bank account. I haven't figured out a legal way to do this yet, so until then, deal with my phone calls.

Sincerely,
Robyn, Personal Trainer