And on a more serious note...

Every Wednesday morning I go to bible study at church. I know, I'm lucky. Who gets to just go to bible study in the middle of the week and not show up to work until after lunch? Someone with an awesome boss.....who also doesn't come in on Wednesday mornings....

Because its a Wednesday morning, I'm there with stay at home moms and people who own their own businesses and who can attend something like this. At first I was thinking "but we'll having nothing in common". Well, not completely true, but what's even more important, is how much I learn from them. They divulge their deepest secrets about parenthood and being successful women, and I take them all up like a sponge. Today, in particular, I learned a lot. The topic (we're reading a book called "Who Holds the Key to Your Heart", by Lysa TerKeurst) was fears. Usually we discuss and go through the chapter and finish up with the end of chapter questions. I think I'd still be there if we didn't have to stop! It was such a good and meaningful discussion.

We went around the room discussing our biggest fears. Most peoples, mine included, were having to do with losing a loved one. For most of the women in the room, it was losing a child. Almost everyone mentioned parents as well. I also mentioned Junior :) It was so touching to hear the stories from these women about their greatest fears. It's amazing how women (men, too, but women are guiltier) put this facade on every time we go out into the world. The facade of "I live a perfect life and everything is ok". Because 99.9% of the time....it's not perfect. We all learned and re-learned this today as tears were shed, hugs were given, and tissues were passed around the circle more than once. It's nice to hear that other people are struggling with the same issues we are.

I discussed my biggest fear (aside from losing a loved one): FAILURE. At anything, really. Academics, athletics, being a friend, being a daughter, being a parent (to my puppy), etc. I know exactly what this stems from and I have mostly worked past it. Sometimes, however, it creeps up on me. Mostly at work, where I'm surrounded by males who seem to not have a problem with doing things and having no regrets about it. It goes something like this: I am given a task. I sit and brainstorm how I will go about doing the task. I map it out in my head. Re-map it out. Try to think like the boss does and if this is the way he would do it. Start the task. Get up and get a drink, just to clear my mind for a minute. Come back and work some more. Get an email from the boss, asking where said task is that should have taken 5 minutes. I re-check the task, and yet again. Email the task to the boss and then it begins.....WORRY. ANXIETY. Did I do it right? Did I work hard enough on it? Should I have written this sentence differently? What if its not what he wanted? So I wait. Wait for an email saying "This is wrong. Do it again. I can't believe you didn't do it right the first time". But the email never comes. And even if it does, it does not say those harsh words.

NOTE: Now this doesn't happen every single time I do something, but if it is important, then I worry and wonder if I will do it right? Or will I fail?

And here is where it has been most prevalent in my life: Sports. Diving in particular. Mostly because there is a such thing as a FAILED DIVE. Well, that is pretty blunt, now isn't it? I won't go into this in detail...it will only bore you. But now I wonder...I am putting an entire YEAR of training and committment into Ironman. But what if I fail? What if my shoulder can't handle 2.4 miles of swimming? What if my hamstrings ball up and just won't work anymore during 112 miles of biking? What if my shins feel like they're going to explode during the 26.2 miles of running? What if...What if...What if????

But I have to stop the What if's. I have to put it in God's hands and ask him to help me through the self doubt, and the fear of failure. Because as I learned today...to worry is to sin. And I have to trust God...and more importantly trust myself over the next 199 days of training and sacrifice and know that I can do it. I will not fail. I will cross that line and be an Ironman.

So what about you? What do you fear?